I Am Sorry, Newspaper Telemarketer

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advertisinf, article, dead babies, dead bodies, hiding a dead body, humor, jokes, magazine, newspaper, subscribe, subscription, telemarketer

The sad moment when you realize that coupons are probably the only thing keeping newspaper subscribers.

I hate subscribing to anything. Even newspapers. Every few months I get a call from a newspaper telemarketer which ends up sounding a little like this:

Telemarketer: Hi, this is X from the (insert local newspaper here), would you like to subscribe for only (insert some cheap dollar amount here) a year?
Me: I’m sorry but I’m not interested.
Telemarketer: How about only the Sunday paper? You can get that for only (some other super cheap amount) a year!
Me: Well, we’ve actually subscribed before, but we barely had time to read the newspaper, and recycling it became a hassle. Besides, we watch the news on TV, or read the news online.
Telemarketer: But the online version is abridged, you get more out of the print version! Are you interested in coupons? There are a lot of coupons in the Sunday paper…
At this point I feel sorry for the telemarketer who I shot down–and also disappointed that he is resorting to trying to sell me coupons for a dollar off Tide detergent instead of the beauty of the written word. But I don’t even read newspapers, and why would I when I have television to feed me the news? My RSS feed updates every fifteen minutes to give me the latest updates from The New York Times, CNN, Rutgers, and when I was taking Macroeconomics–The Economist. And often even before my RSS feed can give me the news…Twitter already told me. To be honest, being extremely informed of the news isn’t that awesome either. When I first subscribed to all the popular news websites in my effort to become an aware citizen, I didn’t know much more about my country, but I did know where to hide a body if I ever needed to (apparently there’s this lady who put her dead baby in some abandoned suitcase for several decades–which really only sounds cool in a mystery novel.)

I wish you had more coupons.

The only magazine I am currently subscribed to is Better Homes and Gardens–and that was only because I won a year subscription during some online sweepstakes. I don’t even read them, I only keep several copies for future collaging material (I am a Visual Arts major after all)…or maybe if I ever need to cut out letters for a blackmail letter.